The Trayvon Martin Story, Revisited.....
So I was driving around protecting my neighborhood, had my Gatt locked and loaded, just in case
After a couple of hours, I saw two guys riding bikes. They didn't look like they lived around here.
They sure looked suspicious, though. They were wearing white shirts and ties! Plus, they were both White!
If that's not suspicious, I don't know what is!
White collar crimes are almost always committed by white guys, these guys were both white, and to top it off, they were both wearing white collars!
So I followed them. They were up to no good, for sure.
They were stopping at house after house, ringing the bell, obviously looking for places where no one was home.
So I hit speed dial on my phone and called 911. They told me to stop following them and go home.
Now, I had called 911 a few hundred times this month, so I knew that was code for "Stop the religious terrorists at all costs!"
I wish I hadn't said they were 'trucking donkeys' because now people think I used a racial slur.
That's so typical of 'Whitey', always playing the race card.
anyway, I got out of my car and followed them down the lane.
They noticed me following them, so they got off their bikes, and came my way.
"Why are you following us?" they asked, smiling to throw me off.
"Why are you riding your bikes around here?" I cleverly replied.
One of them came over and started telling me about this all-powerful being who would send me to hell if I didn't swear my allegiance to his son.
To Hell!
Well, that scared me! I couldn't stand the thought of going to hell!
"Your soul will go to hell if you don't do what the all-powerful being says in this old book, which is perfect and infallible" one of them told me.
"Plus this other book Joseph wrote" the other one added quickly.
"Your soul will walk amongst the damned, you will suffer in anguish, weeping and wailing in the brimstone fire for all ETERNITY" the first one said.
"And remember, he loves you" chimed in the second guy. They were both carrying books, and one of them had an iced tea.
One of them put his hand on my arm.
It felt like I had dislocated my shoulder! I knew I'd have to have that looked at in a few weeks or so. I could barely hold onto my gun!
I pushed over their bikes, so I could get away. Why were they picking on me?
The two of them kept talking about their "Lord". Gang Members for sure! They were probably both on LDS!
I feared not just for my life, but for my very soul!
So I grabbed my Gatt, (turned it sideways), and shot them both dead.
Damn, that was close!
Well, the cops showed up. I told them that the two white guys had been smashing my belief system to the ground over and over again, and that I had dislocated my shoulder!
I told them I was protecting my property, because I rent an apartment just a few miles away.
I had a perfect defense, because I was Standing My Ground, even though I had chased them for an hour, and was standing in their front yard when I shot them.
The cops didn't bother looking for the spent rounds, or the bullets, and they never even found out I had been smoking meth (which was good because I was pretty fcked up.)
But it was a thorough investigation, don't get me wrong. After all, they asked me why I shot them and I said I feared for my eternal soul.
That seemed to be good enough for them but, just to be sure, they asked the two other guys the same questions.
They didn't answer.
It was a clear case of "I said, they're dead"
But they did a background check on them, and a drug test, just to be sure. They also went over their complete medical history, located their birth certificates, and checked their elementary school grades.
They didn't need to ask around for any eye witnesses, because my brother called from Seattle and confirmed that they dislocated my shoulder, hurt my feelings and took out my appendix, so it was clear they were at fault.
What else could I do? My soul was clearly threatened, and after all, they were wearing white shirts and ties!
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